"too close too soon"...tat was wad Ruth was telling me ytday while on the phone wid her. tat phrase is self-explanatory. we din discuss abt it. din elaborate on it. i wish i'd seen this phrase earlier. had a smiliar notation few months back. wished i had known this phrase, thereby proving tat my thinking is correct and then, perhaps, things wun happen...

jus feel lyk crying now. do not know why. i think i'm tired. tired of all tat's happening. tired of the rushed hols. common tests, piano, vacations, hse com camp, packed schedule, SL, PW, band prac, issue...i'm jus tired. very tired n tied down. breaking down....inside

i wonder if i'd asked too many qns. i wonder if wad i'm doing is right. i wonder....dunno la.

basically, is wonder if i'd offended tat someone. wonder wad tat someone thinks about it.

wonder wad the future will be lyk. wonder wad the changes will be. wonder wad will happen. jus dun feel lyk living. jus feel lyk ending it all. then, there's no more wonders. jus a good assurance tat i'll be in heaven where everything is prepared, where there are no more worries, where it is jus so filled wid His glory. hmm. i wonder if He'll let me in, in the first place. wonder if He'll let someone who had committed suicide to enter heaven. i rmb learning tat it's murder n He definitely dun lyk it...hmm...me wondering again. dun lyk it. jus wanna take life simple. jus follow His simple ways....

went out studying today. was suppose to meet the SL ppl wan then change mtg. anyway, was lyk studying ALONE outside. quite lonely. in mac's. but also notice several things. tat there are lonely ppl outside too. okay. kinda mean to call them lonely but ppl entering n sitting alone, having a meal alone. it's kinda lonely. makes me wonder if i'll be lyk tat nxt time. i dun want. i want to have frens whom i'm close wid. i want to have frens whom i can clique wid. i want to have frens whom i can out shopping/hanging out wid. i dun wanna be alone. dun lyk tat feeling. okay. i know i know. we, christians, are never alone. but still, wun there be a longing for frens to be arnd? i dunno. but dun worry, i'll still keep in mind tat God is wid me even when all else fades.

studying was not bad. managed to follow schedule quite well. n do quite a number of things. i guess it's cos i'm too organised n stay too much to schedule tat's why havin a slight headache. suppose to play piano now. but i ended up "playing" the keys of the laptop. i dunno. jus wanna take a break. but i wonder if it's a necessary break cos i really nid to play tat PIANO!!! grr. dun lyk. dun lyk to be pressed n pressurized. giving me all those wild thoughts. giving me all those pressure. makes me wanna escape. makes me wanna run away. makes me wanna end it all.....

wished i cld talk to someone abt it now. i rmb/think/recall last time, whenever i feel stress up, i'll call on yi xian, my trusted n close fren. i'll talk to yw and sh abt my stresses when i'm in sch. but now, not tat they've left. they've definitely not left me else i wouldn't rmb those times. but jus looking arnd me now n i wonder who are my frens whom i can turn to. who are the few frens tat i can tok to...who are the ones whom i know wld be available n not so busy n willing to tok to me instead of IGNORING my request for calls. okay. me getting upset. din mean to bring tat issue up. i've forgiven u. dun worry. but it's jus tat i was suddenly reminded of it. i'm jus feeling agitated, tat's all. i wanna build good n close frenships wid ppl. wanna take it naturally too. dun wanna rush into things. dun wanna worry. dun want...jus dun want....okay. pls dun see me as a despo peeps (those who are reading this). it's jus me talking to myself...

got nth much to say except tml will be a long day for me. expecting myself to be out of the house for exactly 12 hours. let's see how it goes. kk. gotta go play the keys tat i'm suppose to b4 i get upset n all at night again. grant me rest n a mind tat can sustain throughout the remaining day, lord. thank you.