okay. so it's been way past my 18th birthday. it was well-spent, ending on a high note of meeting zhen guang, conray and nigel for supper. the usual 4 of us primary school ppl who still keep in contact =) was really happy to see them since it'd been a long time. zg is more handsome now. conray is still cocky and horny but he jus got a gf. not bad. it was zg's bday tat day too! oh! and he gave me this very nice and cute bear! look!

and then nigel gave me this guitar pick chain. it was very nice and cool! haha. yea man! thanks loads for the time spent in swensons wid the on-the-house ice cream and the time spent together! you guys rocks! and then, i also spent time wid yw and sh tat afternoon at marina square and the awesome fish-n-chips lunch at a worth-it price. wid desert somemore! =) then, met up wid victor for a while. well, got well wishes by many via sms and my sec sch frens too! =) thanks guys! loves...

well, things aren't good for me these days. in terms of relationships/frenships. i lost a fren. not physically dead (though that phrase makes it sound lyk tat), but jus take it figuratively. i think tat's the worst and the most painful thing tat cld happen. knowin that the person is still alive and can be contactable is so much different frm knowing tat the person is dead and cannot be contacted. when i know the person's dead, yes, i will be sad. but i wld know i dun have a choice and dun have a single chance of toking to the person. sigh. but wad's the diff btw the 2 if i cannot/am not allowed to tok to the person who's alive? these few days ain't good. been crying alot alot for the 1st few days. things started getting better but i still cried ytday. every morning when i wake up, i wld always think that the fren is there, but when reality hits and i realise it's the nxt morning, i jus know the fren's not there. yes. i did ask for reasons and explanations and i'd to keep recalling them whenever i qn myself and re-visit the event. it's been hard. i wonder whether it is for tat fren. sometimes, i keep thinking tat it's very easy for him. tat he has probably forgotten abt the event, forgotten how much hurt he brings to me..but i've been trying to dismiss the thought. there's no point to keep asking and there's no way i'll get an answer.

one of the things tat went across my mind was the issue of forgiveness. promises that he made last time, assurances he gave me right from the start, the memories and seriousness of his words which eventually did not come true...there was jus so much hurt he put on me and that's also wad i'd to forgive him for. yea. God was speaking to me a few days back. forgive and forget. well, it ain't easy to forget, esp coming frm someone who values promises and assurances, and have also told him my fears tat may come and it eventually did. sigh. dun really lyk it when i can predict the future well. den when i decide to still continue doing it, wad i predict happens. it jus makes me unhappy wid myself. hee.

another thing tat came across my mind is to let real happiness and smiles radiate from within and not jus show it on the surface; on the skin of your face. it's true tat i'd been putting a brave front, using studies to mask up my mind, showing my frens tat i'm fine, nothing's wrong. no one asked me abt this unless i'd told the person already. but i dun wanna fake it all. i want it to come frm within jus lyk how we are to show Jesus from the inside out. yea. let go. those 2 words are wad i keep telling myself everyday. it's hard. esp since this is not my decision yet i have to play along. it's seriously not wad i want. many times i have wanted to sms and fight it back. but everyday ended up wid me not touching and pressing those keys, controlling myself and telling my mind to let go. it's wad i have to do anyway. if i keep holding on and be bitter to him, it'll make my life miserable for a very very long time. and soon, others would see it and then they wun like to be wid me. no way will i want to make others arnd me unhappy either. let go.

well, also wanna take this opportunity to thank KHALIS! thanks Khalis for hearing me out and helping me out through this period of time. thanks for your encouragement esp last nite when i cried jus thinking about it again. and then yr silence on the other side of the phone and asking me to take my time, understanding my situation and go wash up b4 continuin my work...thanks for your care and concern towards me. thanks for being there whenever you can although you are in NS and can be quite tired and shag at nite n still gotta do your night prayers. thanks for taking special time off to tok to me. to give me a ring, to sms me..really appreciate it lotz. thanks alot khalis. and thanks to uncle clarence. for talking to me even though i was crying on the other side. and for helping me analyse the situation and explaining his point-of-view and keep telling me tat i have to accept his decision, respect it and let go. yea. bearing his encourgement in my mind too.

Man's disappointment is God's appointment

Lord, help me to trust in you no matter wad. for the future. for wad will happen. whether we'll still be frens. Lord, help me not worry and not fear. help me not to run away but rather, run to you. help me to rest in you and trust you. honestly, my heart dun seems to have Mr Hope anymore. i dun seem to want to let it in. but Father, help me to open the door to him, not too sure whether it's for this issue, but at least for other issues. cos Lord, i know tat without hope, one can hardly survive. was reading a passage on it ytday during qt rite? :) yea. lord, please be wid me. Immanuel, God with us.........