at the end of the incident in the canteen, it brought me to a good conclusion. when i was crying, how much i longed for a christian guy that i can share this with. naturally, "having a bf" thought came into my mind again. how i wished that i was attached so i can run to him. but i realised something. it's SO impt to have a christian bf. i will feel v uncomfortable and he may not understand my situation if he isn't a christian. besides, who doesn't want Godly counsel in times lyk this that is so low? i jus pray that God will send me a Christian bf soon. and in the meantime, learn to depend on Him lest i really lose my focus and faith when i'm attached. gotta be that "better half" (rmb? myanmar trip) lyk being a strong Christian and doing the right thing right now--depending on God. mm.

wanna talk about my spiritual life. gotta be honest and admit. it hasn't been good. really. ever since the A's has stopped. with all the goin-outs, my daily schedule of doing QT at 6pm has been disrupted. and i never did fix another time slot for it. and at times, i can be jus so tired that i flop down to bed and enter dreamland while saying my prayers halfway. i did my QT during my mission trip. but in vietnam and youth camp and the days in between..you wun find me flipping open my devotional book. bad. v bad indeed. i felt so dry really. i dunno why i lost that spiritual hunger after A's and when all the partying and travelling sinks in. and perhaps that is the reason why i cannot stand strong today. in my mind, i know i gotta do something about it. but i hope that it wouldn't jus be the mind working but my soul and spirit acting upon the command given by my mind.

yes Lord, make me hungry for you and your word once again. renew that fire in me.

talking about mind, reminds me of the one phrase that i told my fren: perhaps God gave us the mind so as to guard the heart lest the heart makes us follow our desires that can lead to dire consequences. so dun scold yourself when your mind and heart are in conflict.

i had this thought in vietnam: shadows of doubt. i was wondering to myself: why shadows? why use the word to describe doubts? then, i realised, it's cos in reality, there is always a good thing to the issue. there is always a good outcome, whether or not it is an outcome you are expecting. there is always something to gain--a lesson, a memory, a difference made in ppl's life etc. and doubts are jus there to confuse you, to make you lose focus, to make you lose confidence, to make you hurt and upset such that it's hard for you to continue on...but, take heart, it is only a SHADOW. for when you step out of that dark patch and let yourself be bathed in the light behind that obstacle, you'll begin to see things with a different perspective and do things differently. you'll begin to see things more optimistically, try to work around that obstacle such that you are no longer in the shadow but in the light. and of cos, can't do it without God in the center of your life! amen! =)

finally, i was listening to her story last night and i felt so burdened after that. i felt so sad for her. she's really in quite a fix. quite a bad situation (as both of us acknowledged it). can hear the annoy-ness in her voice. and the things that he did to her is jus so yee..man. i really feel for her so much so that after i hang up on the phone, i still felt sad. it almost seems lyk it is happening to me. on one hand, i thank God that it din happen to me and victor was a very nice guy (told him so immediately last night). while on the other hand, i pray fervently. i had to remind myself that God is sovereign and that He has a hand in this. it isn't up to me or my advices that will make a difference to the situation but only His decision and perfect plan. i jus pray that she will be strong and firm and knows wad she really wants. i pray for alot of things for her. i guess i'll jus keep to them to myself for now. i'm lyk one of the few frens that knows about this situation and it jus pains me that she doesn't wanna tell an adult about it. perhaps that's where part of the burden comes from. and even worse still when i dun have anyone to tell this story to. i jus pray that God will give me wisdom..

last of last, i'll miss my family esp my siblings and their laughters and joys they bring to my life with all the lame jokes if i ever do go overseas to study. jus went down to an agency ytday with mum. the consultant suggested 2 UK universities and 2 Australia universities based on the course (chemical engineering) that i'm going to take. either university of newcastle or adelaide--both in australia, or university of newcastle or manchester--both in UK. mm. can buy manchester united pdts for you fans at a lower rate :P nevertheless, see if i can get a scholarship first. if can't, then most prob i wun go. if can, then i'll miss my family lots. esp reuben and sarah. i will definitely do a "miss frens" entry nxt time! jus that hearing their laughter at the back jus nudges my thoughts...