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Sunday, February 17, 2008 @ 4:08 pm [sad; painful; tug-of-war]
it's jus so hard to let go of something that you want. the opposite scenerio seems so possible instead. such a great possibility for me, in fact. it's mutual so it jus seeems to be the most ideal situation yet i've to put it down. against my heart's desires..against all the humanly desires raging inside. i dun wanna fake it. don't wanna put up a strong hold. this is wad is in me. it's painful to let it go..to put it down..to say no...to not compromise and not be relaxed in my "rules"/values...it's hard..it's a struggle... other ppl are doing it or even had done so..even those that i grew up with. but i know that even if others are doing it, it doesn't necessary mean it's the right thing to do. this time round, my mind won. rather, my Spirit Man won (that's wad i learnt today. tell u more later). right now. it won. as hard as it is to say this, but i do hope the Spirit Man will always win. cos that's where my conviction stems from; that's where my beliefs and values come from. these make up the basis and foundation of my life and i will and must stand by them.. it's the right thing to do, Sharon. as painful as it is, it's the right thing to do. surely, you don't wanna live in regret next time jus as how you've suffered in regret last year. sigh. i really don't wanna lead him on. yet, i wonder wad exactly should i do or not do...wad actions will lead him on or not.. i definitely dun wanna repeat history and dun wanna hurt him. sigh. i guess there are no hard and fast rules else it'll be very robotic. the obvious ones i'm aware of but the subtle ones is wad i'm cautious of. hmm. i dunno. i jus dun wanna lose a budding frenship. i wun deny that at times i succumbed and will succumb to do things that may lead him on or make him confused. for that, i'm sorry. the human side of me won. at times, my mind's not strong enough even though i may have said it outta my mouth that i won't do it. well, *to him* if you are reading this, i hope you'll get a clearer and honest pic of where i'm coming from. thanks man for being ever understanding towards me... *** [recounting] okay. body, soul and spirit. this is the topic that we touched on today at JPTN sunday school. and it really helps to clear lots of doubts and lots of clouds that i never really bothered to clarify. and it's so much clearer now and the lesson was very insightful. jus in brief: body is our 5 senses; the physical aspect of ourselves. soul is the intellectual and emotional part of us; self-conscious part of us. so tat's where the "mind" sits too. spirit is the spiritual realm part; God-conscious part of us. and some ppl call it conscience too. so, in short, Man is a Spirit, has a Soul and lives in a Body. everyone has these 3 parts in us..both Christian and non-Christian alike. for the non-Christian, it's lyk there is a veil separating the spirit from the soul and body..so they are unaware of the spirit part in them. and that is why, when we evangelise, we always say it's the Spirit of God that convicts them and not us cos we, humans, can't touch the spiritual realm in the individuals. only the Holy Spirit can. Spirit to spirit mah. and for the christians, though the veil is removed, the Spirit Man can be weak if not regularly fed and strengthen. so there were more discussions on this and indeed, it's very enlightening. i'm glad i attended this lesson =) and it's no wonder the introduction in the green booklet toks abt the spirit living in us... alright. retracking back some more, i went to watch movie with Khalis!! the first movie tgt this year! in Feb..haha..yes..so late. watched Jumper. well. okay la. short. a plot that's never been seen b4 and well, the conclusion wasn't conclusive. then, i heard that there is going to be part 2 and part 3. wah. thanks man. so now i'm stuck in a trilogy unwillingly lah. nice one. ha. well, but it was a nice meet-up with him. was a bit late when i reach there and somehow, lyk wad he said, i was high when i met him. dunno why also. maybe cos it's been a long time since we last met and chatted for a long time. so got tix and food and then let him try a piece of the freshly-baked brownies! chatted outside the cinema at the seats cos i dun lyk being stuck in the cinema watching all the advertisements. we watched at GV max. a super huge cinema. thankfully, din miss any part of the show... after that, his hands were itchy so he went to play pool. as much as i wanted to, i restrained. i can't afford anymore money to play pool. so watched him play one game then whinning-ly ask him to go. haha. he gave in to me. haha. so sat at the rooftop steps there. it's nice. windy at some point of time too. chatted alot with him. catching up lots :) time does past very fast. took nice photos too though he lost his cam-wore enthusiasm but i still want a pic. and yes..it's been a VERY long time since i've changed my profile pic on both frenster and facebook...maybe i'll use the photo he took for me as the display pic. i look pretty enough, i guess :P
okay. so we took 963 home. and on the way home, started talking on the issue of love and the article i read on My Papers..on the 5 different languages of love and other issues/qns. nice chats. so he took the bus all the way to my area. initially, he wanted to send me home (on a fren-fren basis) but after seeing that he keeps looking at his watch, i think he's kinda worried he'll miss his afternoon prayers. so suggested to him to stop at a bus stop at bb there and walk to the mosque nearby. glad he managed to find his way there and i din lose most of my sense of direction.. at the end of it all, for the first time, he complimented tat i was pretty that day. haha. partly cos i wore a dress and put make-up. firstly, i never wore a dress in front of him b4. secondly, i never put make-up in front of him b4. haha. and he said that there were a few stares in my direction at vivo that day. hmm. i never really noticed that but am glad (in my heart) to hear it so =)) retrack a bit more. on saturday, Zhi Wen and I baked brownies!! yay! he came over to my place in the morning and then started baking lor. mixed and cracked everything. then, when i realised that the baking part needs 30mins, i got shocked. i'm lyk, "wad to do within that 30mins of free time?" so went to do sarah's 3 maths qns that she's stucked in. then, showed him my hanoi photo album (wad ma will always do) and of course, my closet of board games! =)) it was fun baking the brownies..mainly cos it's baking with him. haha. to be honest, that is. anyway, we ended up baking the brownies for 40mins in total! and it's quite hard and burnt at the sides. blame me on not poking at the right places. nonetheless, it's edible and the middle portion really tastes nice! his aunt and my mum and khalis say it's okay. so okay lor. glad they all liked it! =)) looking fwd to more baking!!! :) okay. so i jus got a tuition kid. a pri 3 myanmar kid. they jus came in last year in sept. and to my surprise, the kid's english is not bad. then, i found out that the kid was sent to a private sch in myanmar. no wonder. and the dad got a job at keppel road..one of the shipping company. not bad. they also have another kid who's pri 1. oh well. it's pretty scary to really start teaching. he'll be my first kid. i dunno if i can do it but nevertheless, i muz be confident. more than jus appear confident, i muz BE confident. and not stutter. yes! okay. so the first lesson is this sunday. jus for this month. thereafter it'll be thur afternoon and sat morning :) i hope things go well! and that i'll be an effective tutor. and hopefully, if God is willing, i'll share with them about God and even bring them to the Myanmar Church that is worshipping at my church's premises on thu! their own ppl so i believe it'll be more heart-warming.. okay. was reading this at fren's fren's blog: memories are the most beautiful pictures our minds can paint...and nothing can ever erase them. So true! this song jus came to my mind: Remember me this way
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