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Sunday, August 31, 2008 @ 11:59 pm HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH!
today was great. had lunch with sarah only. was nice. at subway. and somehow i ate pretty slow. i guess i jus wanna enjoy this rare time i can have with my sister. it's super rare. and we chat much towards the end of lunch too. then, went to shop for a present for her chinese teacher. so sad davin link shop closed! if not, can buy a coffee bear series product for her. and that shop sells many gifts! i wonder why it closed.. after that, headed to a shop. wanted to take photo for her IC but she changed her mind. but i saw a product they were selling! a mini-album of 18 photos! for $19.90. it's cool! though it can be expensive. after that, headed down to have dinner with my cousin, michelle, and her newly-wed hubsband, dustin. they are nice ppl. it's nice to see michelle too! haven't seen her for 8 years. from NZ somemore. had a big sumptuous dinner at a chinese restaurant. the food took long to come. but when one dish came, the rest all came fast. good food. good chats and catch-ups. and nice photos! after that, my family (only) went out for desert at dempsey hill! my first time there. really posh but VERY dark! somehow. but it gives a very romantic feeling. nice. went to B&J and I totally LOVE the layout there! Took photos there. and i like the way they put the gents and ladies: hunks and geogorous! haha. nice. cool. pretty. there are all sorts of seats there too! hope i can get to sit on the crouch one day! but first, i muz get a car or at least sit on someone's *hint hint* bike! cos it's really dark to walk in and out and a bit inconvenient. no wonder, i hear that to go dempsey, better to have transport! well, today was quite nice. i enjoyed myself. alot of first and rare times. i hope sarah enjoyed herself too! =) smile always girl! And may God bless you! Stay close to Him and continue to know more about Him! I love you just as God loves you too! =) --------------------------------- Monday, August 25, 2008 @ 1:10 pm right. so my mum read my blog. found out when she talked abt an issue that i've never told her but somehow she knew. well, i wasn't surprised. afterall, a blog is for all to read. But i did feel a bit uneasy. i somehow knew that if she knew abt it, she won't be happy and would chide me. all these were true. sigh. i had it coming. but at least it wasn't too harsh. glad she pointed out to me frm a biblical perspective. now, i understand the verse better. it's so true and revelant. it's not easy to keep but it's still something that has to be done. I just need a stronger conviction and discipline. maybe there can be another approach to this issue...
"'Everything is permissible'—but not everything is beneficial. 'Everything is permissible'—but not everything is constructive." on another hand, sigh. i was troubled since this morning. so i made a stupid careless mistake. i wish i never did. then, when i return to hall, i was still upset and had a hard time setting my heart down. even though i kept muttering prayers, they were just words. finally, i knew i had to stop everything i was doing, sit on my bed and earnestly pray and commit this whole thing to God's hand. then, i went to slp. for a while. thank God the slp helped me. and of course, the Holy Spirit. now, i'm no longer troubled. not wanting to think abt it either. i can't possibly let this affect my entire being. there are more impt and urgent things to do. and i know that things are getting beyond my control. it's time for me to let go, leave it aside and only move when God wants me too. my only prayer and wish is that he'll control his emotions better. whatever that was said last night was pretty hurting..and i will have a long day today that ends at 7pm.. --------------------------------- Friday, August 22, 2008 @ 10:28 pm [Reflections] What are the things that keeps me from having a closer relationship with God?
These are the things that are affecting me most now. I realised that since uni started and since I've stayed in hall (esp after the latter), I keep wanting to play and not study. It's like every night I just want to spend time with my friends that I've just made. For the first time, I can talk to ppl easily without spending much money. I just need to rmb where they stay and go up to room and *knock knock, am I disturbing you? Can I come in?* Plus suppers, I jus don't feel like studying at night. Don't have the motivation. Thank God He forsees this and gave me a WONDERFUL roomie who is diligent and hardworking! She studies and works hard and takes her work seriously. Because she is studying, I tend to study too (if I happen to be in the room at tat time). And I'll try not to disturb her by talking to her either. I'll just turn my back and face my table and start reading my notes. Yeah. She's a great roomie! And rmb her name is Cher Lin! =) Well, but most of the time our time doesn't clash. It's either I reaches room late and she's abt to slp or she isn't in the room when I'm in cos she went home. And when she's not in, ah-ha. the fun begins. haha. Like last night. It was thurs nite, i have a fri morning lab at 830am and know what I did? Went over to Junwei's room and talk to him and his roomie, zul, and played games till 130am! well, firstly, i was partly scared to be alone in my room. it's really scary. while sending me back to hall frm BSF, dad mentioned abt the 7th mth. it got me freak out. and well, i wanted to talk to junwei and zul too. so pop by their room. and i had to use the com for a while! a pity i din get to listen to class 95. well, the best of all is that i get to teach junwei boggle! and had a few rounds with him and zul. jw is improving well and fast! he can even formed words that i can't see! hopefully, it wld spur him on to take part in the inter-block games (IBG)! yeah, it was nice knowing him better and having more chances to talk to him! (: why I play until so late? I really don't know. I jus din feel like sleeping. and so by the time i slp, it was 2am. and i couldn't sleep immediately. i was scared again. it din help that the blinds make sound due to the wind too. i had to sing christian songs to make myself go to slp and remind myself that God is with me. well, it does make a difference when I mention the word "Jesus" or "God". But singing songs and reminding myself are only temporary. I jus wanna pray and hope that the mindset will be erased totally. That I would rest in full assurance that I am safe in God's hands...amen! well, BSF helped me again too. reminding me thru last last week's lecture to have faith and depend on God to move my mountains of difficulty instead of doing it my own way. Although, on the surface, it seems like things are going find and fun, i do face difficulties. Difficulties so big that it really makes me worried. Friendships is one of them. Discipline in my spiritual life, QT and studies is another one. And I pray that I will really depend on God not on myself! God has spoken to me, it's time I take actions! [recounts] well, today's lab i wasn't sleepy. that's because I had to do a 2-point perspective drawing! It's super TEDIOUS! and hard! all the construction lines! do until my back and shoulder ache! it's so much like D&T which I'm not good at since sec 1! I'm glad ye sheng and keith was there to help me. i was super stress and pressurized when i can't finish it on time! grr. Below are 3 pics to show my progress. basically, they gave a picture of a radio tilted at one corner. then, we had to draw it on paper in a 3D way. and the parallel lines muz converge at one point. one of the angles try to be at least 110degrees. grr. it's so tedious and precise. totally don't like it. bleah! there will be one more on it i guess. for shading and shadow. hopefully the nxt one will be easier! Oh! the assignment and drawing i drew today was graded too. hmph. oh! watch the faint construction lines in the pics below!
I played netball for the 2nd time in my life this week. it was pretty nice playing a ball game after so long. best of all, i get to know my block mates better! ppl like mei rong, wan xing, elizabeth (she's a christian! yay!) and my OG mates. and pei fen was really great! She companied me thru-out the game even though she's sick and she din play. ha. after that, we also squeezed into shaun's car back to hall. 7 girls behind! woah! ha. jus sitting on top of each other's laps. thanks pei fen alot! =) really enjoyed yr company and presence! i hope u'll get well soon too! after that i went for the JCRC briefing mtg. had a clearer idea what each post is abt and i decided to drop the idea of running for a post there. i'll just join 2-3 sub-coms and be involved there. with my experiences in running events, i hope to help and support my leader instead of leading. it's time i learn to follow too. mm. all the best to eugene and audrey! okay. it seems like i'm recounting everyday but let me jus blah out whatever i have inside of me. wed really drains me cos i taught from 230-9pm. i totally dun like the arrangement. i'm so NOT going to teach the day before PSLE. i don't like it. rushing here and there. kiasu moms too. hmph. i can't wait for my laptop to come. hopefully nxt week! i'm dying without music. tat's partly why i fell aslp tis afternoon while studying in my room. bleah. i met eleena for lunch. had a good chat on tue. went to watch Meet Dave with my hall mates on union day. skipped the elections thing. had lunch together. the movie was not bad. quite interesting storyline. frens were nice. though i do wish pei fen was there. haha. but it was still not too bad after all. after that, i was disciplined! and went to JW lib to study! going to jurong west lib to study (alone) brought back many memories. it brings back the time when yi xian was giving me directions to go the lib, the time when ken and i studied there (it was his 1st year in uni), the time when i randomly made frens with mandhir (i wonder where he is now) and many more studying times i had there b4 A's. I miss the lib. i miss the place. it was indeed good to go back there. and thank God the studying time was effective. i completed and understood my maths lecture and tutorial =) thank you God! okay. tat's all i gotta say here. i'd better go and print my notes b4 i get chased off the com again! hope i can catch up with my Sound lectures! --------------------------------- Sunday, August 17, 2008 @ 10:00 pm [better]
Well, actually, i am feeling better. esp when I wrote my diary in the evening at 6pm. i was commenting tat i am better already. jus tat now, i can feel that i'm quite unsettled. well, i'm feeling better esp when i have many of my frens' encouragement and concern. the greatest encouragement i get is when i heard from zhen leong that he has improved. that really warmed my heart. well, i wanna thanked zhen leong for his company on sat. it was great being able to meet him up again for lunch. i'm sorry i was late. had a good catch up and chat. thanks for listening to me too. gave him a book which he liked it and read HALF by the end of the day! Tat is surely fast! I've never read a book tat fast before! Lol. let alone an inspirational book. i usually like to pause and think and reflect on wad was said. haha. but i'm sure, in his own time, he does do that! after tat, i got too tempted with the idea of going orchard that i asked him to company me since he's going suntect after that. since he drove his van, he had to drive back to his hse, park the car there and we took a bus down. got to know more abt him throughout the journey too! things i've never asked in all our conversations during this period of time. shopped at far east. had a craving to eat fired mars bar. shared one bowl after we shopped a while. i didn't wanna carry it arnd with us when we look at clothes etc. and boy! it does feel great to shop and be in orchard again! i so miss orchard! whether it's shoppping or simply walking along the road or looking at the crowd of faces or being in the crowd. it's nice! the feeling's good. i hope to return to far east soon! I wanna buy dresses that i can wear to school! =)) haha. yeah. so i've been showing him all the sleeved dresses. hoping i can get one. but got none. bleah. nvm. nxt time, i'll spend more time looking at clothes! haha. well, jus wanna say thanks to zhen leong for always being there for the 2 of us and spending so much time and effort for the past weeks. thanks for the going-out and thanks to hui peng, zl's gf, for your understanding too! :) --------------------------------- Friday, August 15, 2008 @ 12:27 am [reflections, sadness]
sigh. looking at Khalis' post really makes me think of my feelings. it so reflects mine too. or at least similar. sigh. well, i must say that Khalis is good at writing this kind of poem style! Keep it up! sigh. is this the end of everything? Must things end this way? Have I lost him completely and vice versa? I don't know. Someone said that it's better for him to have the float taken away and have him swim on his own than to give the float and let him hang on. But I don't know. He's not doing good. I know that. I really wish I can do something.. So is this the end? And now, i'm faced with another prob. currently, mum doesn't want me to stay in hall next year. which is very sad cos i simply LOVE my hall mates! So that's why, I tot i had better give the JCRC post to someone who needs it more. cos being in JCRC meant a guaranteed place in hall or so I heard. But jus now, I hear many of my OG frens are signing up for the JCRC posts or at least block managers! It makes me excited too! Then, a thought came to me that I should sign up for the post not for the hall placing nxt year but out of passion and your ability to serve and lead a grp....wad do you think? well, i don't want to be the head but i don't mind assisting the head. I jus don't wish to strain any relationships with ppl in my term of office (if I'm in). that's the last thing i want. well, i was VERY inspired by Kenny and wad he said. he's in JCRC as a social secretary. the roles and duties he did were great! similar to council. so i thought of using my experiences and skills as a hse com member to support my leader. and planning events is nice! My type and my style...I enjoy it...hmm. but campaigning will still be there. so i wonder how this will go... I just want to pray hard that I won't strain any relationships. I just don't want history to repeat. sigh. i'm confused now... I really wonder how you are going on now. I haven't heard from you for the past 3-4 days. You were really serious and never contacted me. Neither have I. But everyday, I ended my diary entry with questions about you. Where are you? What are you thinking about? Do you really think you've lost me? Forever? I really wish I can say no but I don't know if saying so will give you any false hopes or make you even more upset and confused. Although we are not talking now, I do wonder about you. Sigh. Do you see this as a sign that I'm not lost forever? I don't know. Maybe the future will be different from wad we hope and dream of it to be. Whatever the case, the future isn't ours to worry and spend excessive thinking on. Present is what we should treasure now... --------------------------------- Friday, August 08, 2008 @ 11:15 pm [now i understand...]
now i finally understand how you feel. the pain. the hurt. it really cuts through. when i'm alone in my room, facing the 4 walls is really something painful. activities arnd me are but jus events tat fill the void and take my mind off this issue for a while. now i finally understand... i know nothing that i say and do now can ease your hurt and anguish you are feeling now...i dun blame you if you are blaming me. cos right now, i'm jus shaking my head in despair and sorrow. i'm sorry. i dunno where to go, what to do or what to think. i know the most obvious answer is to turn to God. but prayers these days jus seems like reports. i must do something about my prayer life. i dun like myself. for the things done without consideration. why can't i live up to my name? why can't i be more disciplined? why can't i be more considerate to others? now, another problem faces me. i feel so pressed on all sides. may i be pressed till i go onto my knees in prayers at Your feet, God. well, i did feel touch when weiling mentioned on her blog abt how probs are not really probs but challenges. challenges to mould me to be like Jesus... i jus pray that God will lead me (and him) through this period of time... --------------------------------- Wednesday, August 06, 2008 @ 11:20 pm [lighter note]
okay. on another note, I've shifted in to Hall 11 at NTU since 28july, Monday. I LOVE my hall mates! they totally rocks! I totally love them! They are a very nice and fun bunch of ppl. I enjoy their company. They are all very caring towards each other, joking around too. 10 girls and 15 guys. I'm glad this time round I can clique with the girls! Totally love them! though most of them are in accountancy. well, I hope we'll stick close as a family as wad hall 11 is known for! I do hope we can be best of buddies...thank God for these frenships i can build! then again, i really gotta put in the effort and spend time with them. frenships are like that right? Well, i feel quite bad that i missed dinner with them jus now. mum told me to return home to use com for the elective thing and cos dinner has already been cooked for me. well, it does feel good to use the com since i never had a com to use in hostel but I MISS MY FRENS!!! I WANNA GO BACK! now, they are asking me out for supper *heart aches* lol. well, at least i managed to see david's email. from myanmar! yay! and i wonder why he always say "i miss you" in his emails. i wonder if he really understands what that phrase means cos we hardly talk, how can he feel any connection? anyway, thank God for his compassion and spontanity to go to labatte, the affected area of cyclone. thank God for his heart to help the ppl out. well, i jus pray that he'll be safe and the work there will be a meaningful and effective one. okay. well, nonetheless, it's good to be home. to see my parents, bro and sis. and not forgetting po-po. well, it's good to be home! sigh. i'm supposed to do some studying at home wan..then dunno why ended up blogging and doing my ntu stuffs and chatting with my frens online. ha. oh well. i hope i can get an elective soon! please someone drop Sound in our daily lives! Else i dun have enough AUs to graduate! --------------------------------- @ 7:21 pm [horrible, self-conversation, anger, for *you*]
I feel so horrible inside. It totally wrecks me. I keep thinking of those times that we had..the fun, the wonderful memories, the laughters, the touching moments, the ups and downs etc. I feel like a total wreck in front of him. Someone who is a loser, a failure, a total wreck. the word "wreck" jus keeps ringing into my head. What have you done man! You tell me, Sharon! What have you done? Why do you break someone's heart so badly? Why do you break yours so badly? Why create so much trouble? I totally don't feel good inside now. Why did you have to turn things arnd and wreck things? Why do you do the things you do? Why are you unable to say "I'll wait"? Why were you impulsive? Why do you make the person who loves you so deeply be so hurt...turning him arnd in circles when you had no intention to from the start? I totally don't like myself now. Commitment and responsibility. These are the 2 things that challenge me now in 2 different aspects. I feel alot of pressure. First aspect from tuition. Second from my love life. Sigh. I wonder what's wrong with me and what exactly do I want? Fun? Relaxed lifestyle? NO! This isn't what you are, Sharon. Have you changed? Why? Why for the worse? Where is your sense of responsibility that you have been groomed since young? Where has all those years of training gone to?Responsible to your kids, to the job you've started out, to the parents, to the kids' education.. where has it gone to? And to add on, responsible for your actions, for all the things said and done... What is commitment to you? Why have you gone all quiet and shaky at the mention of it? You wanna escape? NO WAY! I FORBID! What is commitment to you? Why did you not follow through what you said or even give your best to it? Why do you keep postponing your tuitions for the sake of your own fun and enjoyment? In the name of "building frenships"? Yet, is it worth compromising on commitment for the sake of it? Should it even be done in the first place? And where's your definition of commitment gone to over the months? Gone with the wind is it? Fly away? And to think you're the one who mentioned commitment first and now....you are a very bad girl, Sharon. He has done so much for you..so much. you know it deep down inside. other ppl also tell you the same. it's so evident. everything that I think about is a proof of his love. what have you given in return, Sharon? Nothing comparable. Nothing. So when he gave a request, why can't you jus give in to it? why can't you be committed? why do you hold back? Why can't you give something that a close-enough "fit" to what he has given? Why are you like that? I suck. --------------------------------- |
