[horrible, self-conversation, anger, for *you*]

I feel so horrible inside. It totally wrecks me. I keep thinking of those times that we had..the fun, the wonderful memories, the laughters, the touching moments, the ups and downs etc. I feel like a total wreck in front of him. Someone who is a loser, a failure, a total wreck. the word "wreck" jus keeps ringing into my head.

What have you done man! You tell me, Sharon! What have you done? Why do you break someone's heart so badly? Why do you break yours so badly? Why create so much trouble? I totally don't feel good inside now. Why did you have to turn things arnd and wreck things? Why do you do the things you do? Why are you unable to say "I'll wait"? Why were you impulsive? Why do you make the person who loves you so deeply be so hurt...turning him arnd in circles when you had no intention to from the start?

I totally don't like myself now.

Commitment and responsibility. These are the 2 things that challenge me now in 2 different aspects. I feel alot of pressure. First aspect from tuition. Second from my love life. Sigh. I wonder what's wrong with me and what exactly do I want? Fun? Relaxed lifestyle? NO! This isn't what you are, Sharon. Have you changed? Why? Why for the worse? Where is your sense of responsibility that you have been groomed since young? Where has all those years of training gone to?

Responsible to your kids, to the job you've started out, to the parents, to the kids' education.. where has it gone to? And to add on, responsible for your actions, for all the things said and done...

What is commitment to you? Why have you gone all quiet and shaky at the mention of it? You wanna escape? NO WAY! I FORBID! What is commitment to you? Why did you not follow through what you said or even give your best to it? Why do you keep postponing your tuitions for the sake of your own fun and enjoyment? In the name of "building frenships"? Yet, is it worth compromising on commitment for the sake of it? Should it even be done in the first place? And where's your definition of commitment gone to over the months? Gone with the wind is it? Fly away? And to think you're the one who mentioned commitment first and now....you are a very bad girl, Sharon.

He has done so much for you..so much. you know it deep down inside. other ppl also tell you the same. it's so evident. everything that I think about is a proof of his love. what have you given in return, Sharon? Nothing comparable. Nothing. So when he gave a request, why can't you jus give in to it? why can't you be committed? why do you hold back? Why can't you give something that a close-enough "fit" to what he has given? Why are you like that?

I suck.