Just read an article from the Thought Catalogue on losing a best friend [http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/losing-a-best-friend/]. Quite a good one. Speaks volumes about what I'm feeling especially on the part when you scroll to the name and feel like calling the person but just put down the phone.

You know, it feels kinda sad. And it's actually quite a sucky feeling. I don't like to be caught in this situation where I don't know what to do, don't know what happened, screaming to rectify the situation, yet humbly acknowledging that I can't control how others respond to me.

Sometimes, I wonder whether sitting down to talk about it would really work. Sometimes, I wonder if it'll bring more awkwardness and denial. Sometimes, I wonder if it'll bring more of an adverse effect instead. But do I dare to risk? No. I wouldn't dare and I wouldn't want to. To confront is to make things official. To confront sets a memory forever etched in time. To confront brings too big a risk that I would rather let it go. Who knows, down the road, a decade later, upon coincidental meet-up, we would be able to clique again.

I like the conclusion of the article. That it is because of this situation that makes you treasure even more those friends that stayed. So thank you, Jeremy, Khalis, Yam Wenn, Shuhui...these are the few that I can remember that truly cared for me...

These few days, I don't know why, but I suddenly start to think about my JC days and the tough tension I had with my classmates. And suddenly, I start to cry in bed all over again. I remember the pain and confusion I had gone through. I remember the loneliness I felt. I remember the confrontation. I remember the make-up. But still, it leaves a scar there and so, that's why, I never mentioned too much of my JC life nor have too many close JC friends. I don't like the feeling. Somehow, that same feeling comes back to me all over again and I don't like it. It still pains my heart. Sigh. I think I didn't have a proper closure.

And then, I think about my very recent time when I lost my good friend. Someone whom I shared alot and really knows me through and through. I feel the ache. This ache is really big. Much bigger than expected. Afterall, we had 6 months of memories together! SIX months. All went down the sink. Even until now, I ask myself, is there no way of redeeming this situation? Is there no way of turning around? To lose this friend is like losing a confidante. He knows so much that I can just tell him my current situation and he knows why I'm feeling this way, why I'm thinking this way, gives me advices according to what my values are, and challenges me on some of the things I hold on to. It was a treasured friendship. I treasure it so much that I did take the chance to refute the decision but my non-eloquence cannot win the battle. I sigh. I always sigh whenever I think of this situation and I don't exactly have anyone to turn to say this. Who can truly understand this situation? Who can hear why it hurts me so much? Can I lift up the phone and message him? Can I drop him an email and try to salvage this situation?

Friendships. Spelt with 11 letters. Can be lost in time. Can be lost with just a spread of fire. Can be lost with just 4 letters: Byes.

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