I dropped my Bible. All the paperes spilled out. I picked them up one-by-one. Bulletins, pamplets...and suddenly I chance upon a postcard. Then a photogaph. And a note.

I picked them up to have a closer look. I began to read them. First from Kah Hwee, then from Evelyn and Eleen. Finally from Aunty Lilian. Each one an encouragement. Each one a word of thanks. Each one a word of blessing.

They appreciated my enthusiasm, my giving, my service, my heart for God, my talent/gift, my leadership. They encouraged me to grow, to trust, to put my faith in God, to learn. They blessed me with God's Word, with wishes, with foresight that God will use me when I trust Him, with the people around me being blessed by God through me. They command me to listen, to thrust myself upon God, to obey, to draw close to His heart, to remember what I've learned.

As I read, my heart breaks. The Sharon then and the Sharon now is like 2 different people. I feel so unworthy. I feel so unclean. I feel so guilty. I feel so distant. I am totally underserving of the rememberance, the blessings, the privilege, the honour, the appreciation, the encouragement, the faithfulness from God.

Where am I now? What am I doing? What's occupying my mind? Where's my faith-trust level? Who's sitting on the throne of my heart? Where is God in your life, Sharon?

I literally had to flip to previous entries to see what I've learned through the church camp and the mission trip. Things that happened just 5 months ago, events that were memorable, commitments and convictions that were made. I've forgotten them all. Clean. Why did this happen? :(